Why won't my mascara love me?

I think it isn't much to ask that a mascara changes my life, is it? I want so little: darken, lengthen, curl, separate, more fullness, eyes that sparkle, skin that is luminous, a holiday in the Bahamas and a Ferrari. I do not think this is extreme in the least. The mantra of the make-up junkie is: "I want. I want. I want." Everyone knows that.

On a more serious note, why is it so difficult to find a mascara that multitasks? Why if it lengthens, can it not thicken? And curl? Or separate? Or any of the 10 different functions one demands from a mascara? If it is a matter of the brush shape, why not sell us different brushes along with the mascara? It seems insane that I need to buy four or five different mascaras in my drive to find a look that satisfies.

My make-up space resembles an ode to mascara. There is mascara everywhere. Putting on makeup involves a whole half an hour dedicated merely to the various layers of mascara. And that's just for the natural look. This isn't right. It's hell by mascara. There is so much more I could be doing with my time, like putting on lipstick.

It also wreaks havoc on working out the 'use by' date. Somewhere in a dark recess of my mind I believe that since I bought five mascaras, they remain safe five times as long. I have a sneaky feeling that the bacteria haven't bought into my mascara philosophy.

In my quest for the ultimate mascara look - I call it lash lucious (although only when I am alone and noone can hear me) - I have come upon a swizzy little tool that genuinely makes a difference. It's by Model Co and it's an eyelash heater wand. It heats up and when placed against your lashes actually (and I mean really really) makes them curl up further. So far I haven't had any fall out, be it lashes or temper, so I am a happy little camper with this find.

Once you get over the vague strangeness of heating up your lashes, it's smooth sailing. It's surprisingly s difficult to poke out your eye and the heat is moderate. It just feels warm when you touch the heated wand. See what I do in name of research?

So for all those who have mascara mania, the journey has not ended when it comes to finding The One but it's definitely sprinted up with this heated little number.

Mascara a go go

I am on the hunt for the ultimate mascara. I thought I had found it but the gods of make-up R&D have me confused. So I continue to buy and try and try. Watch this face.

Shea Body Butter - The Body Shop

When I take the time to rub cream on my body (and let's face it, it does take time), I want there to be a difference. This doesn't mean that I want to see sparkly little bits on my skin (although that excites me too), it means I want my skin to feel as if it has gone to the next level of moisture.

I also want the cream/moisturiser/stuff (why so many names?) to not be sticky. It must actually sink into the skin and not sit on top, making me glisten like a ripe new olive. There is nothing worse that feeling like you need another bath after rubbing on some cream.

And there is more. I don't want my body cream to outsmell my perfume or strip the furniture in the next room because the smell defines a new meaning for 'strong'. If I want to layer my perfume with the accompanying body cream, that's different. But for my everyday needs, when I havent thought as far as which perfume I am going to use, my body cream must behave and make me feel like a princess. For the next 12 hours.

Yes, when I stroke my skin (surreptitiously), I want to feel the delicious wrap of the body cream working its magic on my moisture levels. Stroking should be able to occur for a long time. If you can't foreplay yourself then what is this world coming to?

So that's the deal: amazing moisture, no stickiness, unobstrusive smell, works for at least 12 hours, princess feeling inducing... I don't think this is too much to ask. And I found the body cream that does all this! It is the Shea Body Butter from the Body Shop.

The product info says for very dry skins but don't be misled, it is for all skins and it is beyond brilliant. I still haven't come across another overall moisturiser that matches it. It really works.

A reason for existence

I am a make-up and skin treatment addict. When this is recognised as a real addiction, I will be the first at the meetings. I will sip tea and eat chocolate biscuits. I will declare the great void in my life that I try and fill with my addiction. But until then I shall indulge.

And I do. Indulge that is. All the time. I am one of the reasons that make-up and skincare is a multibillion dollar global industry. When I travel, it's the makeup counters that excite me. Oh, I see the sights and take in the history, but I never pass up a chance to see what's new at the counter. When I went to the UK, my sweet memories are of Hampton Court and a great face mask that isn't available in South Africa.

But I have reached an anger plateau. While I trawl all the magazines for more news of products to excite my little brain, I am bombarded with what can only be lies. This and that product is best. I go out into the wild world of money-for-goods and I buy the next big thing. But it isn't the next big thing. It isn't even the next small thing. It just doesn't do what some bamboozled beauty editor says it will do. (I have long since learnt to only look at the pictures in adverts. Reading copy either takes me back to chemistry class or makes me realise that the beauty house believes I am a moron. That's a whole new topic on its own.)

So I have decided to fight for the truth in my own way. While some people look to help the planet survive, release political prisoners and perhaps save an animal while they are about it, I feel my calling lies in liberating women from make-up and skincare mistruths. There is good stuff out there, we just need to brave the crap and wade through the bumph to find the nirvana of glamour and beautiful skin. Viva beauty viva!